Entertainment

5 Star Wars Moments That Prove George Lucas Doesn’t Proofread

Star Wars
Written by Michael Peckerar

While it’s arguably the mythology of our time, Star Wars is famously wracked with plot holes and inconsistencies. While some of them are just perils of a six episode story told non-sequentially for some reason; others are a product of being too lazy to proofread.  George Lucas may have given us a universe of wonder, amazement, and stuff that goes “pew pew”… but he also forgot stuff he wrote a mere six pages ago.  Stuff like…

 

5. Luke Hates The Empire But Totally Wants To Join It

Luke Skywalker

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If ever there was a crazy, mixed up, wayward teenager, it’s Luke Skywalker. He hates Tatooine, hates being a moisture farmer, hates Jawas, and hates the Empire.  Yet, for some reason, his dream is to get up and off of the rock on which he was stashed as a baby, and go join the family business flying TIE Fighters or Imperial Star Destroyers.

Yes, kids… Luke Skywalker dreamed of joining the Empire.

Break it down for a second.  What was the deal he struck with his Uncle Owen?  That he didn’t have to stay on another season and could transmit his application to “The Academy” once they were all set with farm hands. Of course, Owen welches on his promise, because Owen does stuff like that.

Back it up for a second, though.  Luke wanted nothing more than to go off to The Academy, and when he’s told he can’t… it prompts him to stare longingly into a physically impossible binary sunset, accompanied by one of the most amazing orchestral moments in history.

The Academy.  Let’s mull this over for a second.

One can only assume The Academy is where one would go to serve in one or many branches of the military.  Every fictional or real world military has them, including Star Wars.  Young, fresh-faced kids dreaming of flying the latest fighters apply to The Academy and hope they can hang.

Who’s the military in the Star Wars universe? It sure ain’t the Dagobah Coast Guard.

George Lucas made sure Luke dreamed of being a star pilot like his father. So he wrote in this dream of going to The Academy. He even had this deleted scene where Luke’s good pal Biggs Darklighter (helluva name, George) came back from The Academy and declared his intent to defect from the ranks of the Imperial Shoot-Em-Up-Bang-Bang Force and join The Rebellion.  Which he does, and is a seasoned front-line pilot something like three days later.

But…

Fast forward a few scenes to when Obi-Wan Kenobi is working on getting a ride to Alderaan and Luke declares his disdain for the Empire.

So, in case you’re having trouble keeping up. Luke “hates” the Empire… yet will absolutely join it once his acceptance letter to the Academy is delivered.

Awk-ward.


4. The Rebellion Has The Power To Disable Star Destroyers Yet Only Uses It Once

ion cannon

YouTube

The Empire Strikes Back, arguably the best episode of the Original Trilogy and possibly the entire franchise — is not without its issues.  Namely the fact that The Rebellion is wholly unable to keep secrets, or even utilize the most basic of camouflage techniques. Even in the friggin snow.

empire strikes back

“Should we cover this with snow or something? Maybe a tarp?” “Nah, fam… you good.”

One the Empire figures out the Rebels have chosen the most idiotic hiding spot in the history of the universe, they send the most wildly impractical of assault vehicles to start a rumble.  If you thnk about it, the Rebels kind of have this coming, since they figured a shield generator with the heat signature of Yankee Stadium would never be found if they place it in the snow.

Realizing how hard they screwed up, the Rebels high-tail it out of there and prepare to find another, equally idiotic hiding spot somewhere in the most obvious corner of the galaxy. The problem with this is that the Empire is really good at building and hoarding spaceships, and sets up the galactic equivalent of the Cuban Blockade.

Little does the Empire know… the Rebels are going to shoot their way out of there.

 

Woah.  The Rebels were not only able to target a Star Destroyer in space from the surface, but they did it with an ion cannon that somehow had the power to render a massive ship dead in the water.

Take another look at the ion cannon.  It doesn’t seem to be much bigger than a house. George Lucas even placed a Rebel laser turret right next to it for size comparison. While the ion cannon is most definitely bigger than a breadbox, it’s not too massive to be incorporated into a battle cruiser. With some structural modifications.

Gee, it’s a shame the Rebellion doesn’t have any battle cruisers…

Oh

Oh

In subsequent battles, never once do we see the Rebels fire off an ion cannon or anything like it.  Imagine if they had one of those things at the Battle Of Endor. They could have just hung around, picking off Star Destroyers like fish in a barrel. Heck, they even could have taken out the mighty Executor, rendering the Empire without a command flagship.  Or commanding officers.  Or really anything threatening.

George Lucas wrote in this ion cannon as a means to get the Rebels off of Hoth after the shortest game of hide-and-go-seek in recorded history, yet immediately forgets it exists when the Rebels needed it the most.  Nobody is asking for a battle-free Rebellion, but throw them some kind of bone.


3. Yoda Hates Princess Leia And Wants Her To Die

princess leia

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It’s well-covered territory that Lucas threw that “Luke and Leia are brother and sister” business in there right at the last minute.  The love triangle was well in motion beginning in A New Hope and reached Mississippi levels in Empire.  Pointing that out is like pointing out the Rams have a horrific defense. Yeah, we get you… thanks.

We are also well-aware that Darth Vader takes two movies to figure out Luke has the same last name as him.

As dysfunctional as the Skywalker patriarchy must be, one part of the family was destined for disaster and somehow still survives to play a pivotal role in the puberty of every teenager from 1983 on.

As well as the lives of attention-starved girls with daddy issues and a nerd fetish.

As well as the lives of attention-starved girls with daddy issues and disposable income.

Everyone loves Leia because she’s a strong female character with a filterless mouth and hair like a Cinnabon. She survives the destruction of her adopted home planet of Alderaan, the attack on Hoth, the Battle of Endor, and 30 years of being married to Han Solo. Who doesn’t love Leia?

yoda

“Ethics in Force journalism, this is about”

Lucas not only forgot about this one, but he did it when the source material for checking plot continuity was literally at arm’s reach. How are you going to write a plot inconsistency that spans two trilogies?

Objectively speaking, Revenge Of The Sith ranks pretty highly on the totem of Star Wars movies. On its own, removed from the other two abortions in the prequel trilogy, it kind of stands up. The problem with it is that towards the end, it becomes obvious that Lucas forgot to tie up loose ends and kind of slaps everything together in preparation for A New Hope.

Padme cranks out the twins and promptly dies, Anakin Skywalker gets his arms and legs cut off by Renton from Trainspotting, and the twins get stashed away in hiding. After making the newly handicapped Anakin into the Six Million Dollar Man, Emperor Palpatine was more than likely going to track down the Skywalker Twins to either kill them or make them into a brother-sister act to perform in Branson, MO.

Yoda, being the logical cat he is, stashes the twins in the best hiding spots he could think of. Darth Vader’s home planet and a planet run by the Republic’s most outspoken Senator.

Smooth.

While Tatooine is still technically an Outer Rim territory, Yoda covers his bets by letting Obi-Wan hang out nearby and keep an eye out as he magically transforms into Alec Guinness. Who would ever check a moisture farm? It’s not that bad of a hiding spot if you think about it.

Meanwhile, Yoda lets Bail Organa whisk Leia off to Alderaan and live a quiet life as he rules an entire planet.

 

princess leia

Pictured: A low profile

Lucas had to have remembered the Senate was still a thing in A New Hope since he wrote the dissolution of it into the dang script. So why then, as he reverse engineered the story, would he make Yoda consciously decide to let one of the two most important toddlers in the galaxy go off into the public eye?

It’d be one thing if Organa kidnapped her, but Yoda just lets him walk off with her and place her in the most prominent spot in the galaxy.  It’s like placing the daughter of a mob informant in the witness protection program… at the White House.

It’s important for Yoda to protect Luke, as the heir apparent to the Jedi Order. Leia on the other hand? Screw her, she knew what she was getting into.

2. Luke Really, Really, REALLY Hated His Adopted Parents

Pinterest

Pinterest

We’re not the first folks to point this one out, but it’s just too glaring to ignore.

Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, for all intents and purposes, were Luke’s parents.  He was raised by them from infancy, taught the craft of moisture farming, and fed a steady diet of bok choi and blue milk.  They might have been hayseed simpletons, but they did take pretty good care of the kid.  He was not for want and was given a T-16 to fly around in, and an allowance he apparently pissed away on power converters.

Not a bad gig for a half-Naboo orphan.

Luke, in his defense, was a snot-nosed bratty teenager when we first met him.  Of course he resented Owen and Beru because they never let him do cool stuff and made him work on the farm when all his friends had left.  All teenagers hate their parents.  It’s what they do.

His tumblr page is mostly poetry and black and white photos of park benches.

His Tumblr page was mostly poetry and black and white photos of park benches.

Luke later disappears into the Dune Sea to track down a runaway R2D2, gets mixed up Old Ben, and commits to a damn fool crusade to drop off a flash drive or something.  Upon learning Imperial Stormtroopers committed a False Flag operation, pinning a Jawa massacre on the Sandpeople, Luke immediately heads… home.

Either that or Beru left the juicer running again.

Why we don’t use extension cords as permanent plugs.

Let’s take a closer look at the burning homestead — since Lucas felt this was a close-up shot young kids needed to see.

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Holy crap, that’s dark.  Luke is literally standing over the charred, burning remains of the only family he’s ever known.  The two people who raised him nearly from birth and provided for him his entire life, are now smoldering embers in the remains of the only home Luke has ever had.

Imagine seeing the burnt skeletons of your adopted parents as your childhood home burns to the f’ing ground.  That’s the making of a vendetta of Ingo Montoya proportions.

Yet Luke immediately forgets about them half an hour later.

While it’s easy to make the point that Luke had too much of his Sith father in him and was a cold, unfeeling little bastard just as whiney and emo as his guyliner-sporting dad… that doesn’t stand up.

Remember what happened when the local hermit, Obi-Wan, got whacked?

"Bartender... another Blue Russian, please."

“Bartender… another Blue Russian, please.”

Luke is devastated.  Inconsolable even by his smoking hot sister trying to set up a Dear Penthouse Forum moment.

Fans have been pointing this out for a while now, but rarely connect the dots when it comes to Lucas’ inability to write a script in chronological order.  Did he write the movie backward?

Not to mention, why isn’t this Luke’s motivation for kicking all the Imperial ass he can find? Wouldn’t blowing up the Death Star be a proportional response to lighting his legal guardians on fire? Did Lucas not know revenge was an appropriate motivator for a protagonist?

Or did Luke just absolutely hate the shit out of his parents?


1. Han Solo Rides Around With Multiple Rotting Corpses In His Cargo Hold

YouTube

YouTube

The Empire might be great at repeatedly cloning bounty hunters to create an impressively large army, but they really suck at training them.  In fact, Stormtrooper boot camp must be easier to graduate from than University of Phoenix.

Case in point, TK-421.

"Guard this ship. Stay at your post. Psshh, I never get to do cool stuff."

“Guard this ship. Stay at your post. Psshh, I never get to do cool stuff.”

Given the simple task of guarding the captured Millenium Falcon, TK-421 is lured up the ramp by the clever rouse of “Could you give us a hand with this?”

A lot has been made of TK-421’s spectacularly horrendous job performance. It’s well-traveled territory and ranting about it as a new revelation is the first sign of a hack writer. Yes, TK-421 sucked at his job, but what happened after that is frankly kind of horrifying.

First, remember why it was that Han Solo lured TK-421 up that ramp.

Cosplaying the movie you're actually in. Well played, gentlemen.

Cosplaying the movie you’re actually in. Well played, gentlemen.

Han, Luke, and Chewbacca commit four murders in the span of 30 seconds.  First, the scanning crew, then the Stormtroopers charged with guarding the ramp. They then steal the uniforms of TK-421 and his unnamed accomplice who nobody cares whether or not he’s at his post.

Han, Luke, and the droids go on their merry way, seeking out Leia and exploring the mysteries of industrial trash compactors.

But what happened to TK-421, the other guy, and the scanning crew?

Even the most basic rules of engagement dictate you hide the bodies while maintaining stealth. Plus, Han Solo had the smuggler’s compartments hidden in the floors of the Falcon. Logically, the four bodies were stashed there.

And promptly forgotten about.

Obi-Wan shuts down the tractor beam, Leia joins the party, C-3PO and R2D2 leisurely stroll past a platoon of Stormtroopers without a scratch, and Grand Moff Tarkin questions Darth Vader’s counterintelligence abilities.

"I'm taking an awful risk, Vader. This better work." "You talking back to me, boy? You think you grown?"

“I’m taking an awful risk, Vader. This better work.” “You talking back to me, boy? You think you grown?”

For the entire trip to Yavin, four dead bodies are on board the Falcon.  This is completely forgotten about since we never hear about them again.

It’s not like Leia would allow Han Solo to just toss the bodies out into space. These are two Imperial Engineering Corps officers in full uniform, carrying their standard issue duty equipment.  Identification cards, key cards, decrypted communicators, and who knows what else.  You also have the utility belts, fingerprints, and other identifiers of two infantry Stormtroopers.  In what way would this not be helpful to the Rebellion?

Han Solo just flies off, completely forgetting the fact that there are four dead bodies in the back.

That’s dark… even for a smuggler.

 

Michael Peckerar is a Staff Writer for YMBNews, “Like” him on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @michaelpeckerar, Instagram @michaelpeckerar, or add him to your network on Google.

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About the author

Michael Peckerar

Michael is a writer, commentator, horse racing enthusiast, Oxford Comma activist, unlicensed astronaut, casquetter, and can probably destroy you at Trivia Night.