As we stumble into 2017, dazed, exhausted, and still nursing the wounds from the absolute nut punch that was 2016, most of us are wondering what the new year holds. While we’re still gathering up the nerve to say the words “President elect Donald Trump” out loud, and trying not to cry when we hear Purple Rain or Heroes, there’s a whole undiscovered country of the future waiting for us.
In the world of gambling, there are futures and props. Both are types of bets where you can wager on whether or not a certain event will or will not happen. With 2017 finally here, and the fustercluck that was 2016 safely behind us, it’s time to look into the crystal ball of bookmaking and cast some odds on what the year holds…
Will Keith Richards Die?
It’s dark, but be honest… Keith Richards is generally everyone’s next guess when two other celebs have passed. The man’s been playing pinochle with the Grim Reaper since Voodoo Lounge. Sorry, but judging by his track record and the fact that he’s probably already been dead for six years anyway and this is just the blow and ludes wearing off… Glimmer Twin #2 has a good shot at seeing the end of the year. Then again, you can’t always get what you want.
Keith Richards Dies: 12-1
Keith Richards Is Actually Made Entirely Of Tequila And Cocaine: 3-1
Keith Richards Made A Deal With The Devil: 8-5
Who Will Taylor Swift Date Next?
‘1989‘ was objectively a pop music masterpiece, but be honest — it’s getting a little long in the tooth. T-Swizzle isn’t exactly hurting to make the rent, but she’s due for a new album. Which means she needs to date again, in order to restock her breakup song arsenal. After her high profile split with “DJ” Calvin Harris, she’s going to need to come correct with an even bigger slice of arm candy in 2017. Here’s your horses, TayTay:
Justin Bieber: 45-1
Someone From ‘The Bachelor’: 10-1
Julian Edelman: 3-1
Katy Perry: 87-1
James Harden: 3-1
Either One Of The Guys From Twenty One Pilots: 7-5
Will We See iPhone 8?
First of all, asking this will get you a stern eye-roll from Apple fanpersons and a lecture about “S Updates.” Yes, Apple generally does an “S” release of iPhone before moving on to the next version. However, iPhone 7 was kind of a yawn-fest and not the dramatic redesign we needed. With the internet all abuzz about iPhone 8 and supposed leaks of new designs, it’s a possibility Apple CEO Tim Cook is going to say screw it and skip the S. Then again, this is Apple, and in a world where people are killed for their beliefs, they thought removing a headphone jack equaled “courage.” So, who knows?
iPhone 8: 12-1
iPhone 7s: 4-1
What Old School TV Shows Will Get Remade Or Adapted?
True story, March 24 — we’re getting the long awaited CHiPs remake! Dax Shepard is Officer Jon Baker and Michael Pena is playing Officer Frank Poncherello. See, prayers are answered. 2016 saw Hollywood vomiting out a truly awful remake of MacGyver and a TV adaptation of Lethal Weapon. Yet another Spider Man reboot is coming (because that’s totally what we need) and Dwayne Johnson will burst off the screen in a Baywatch movie. So what’s likely to get the green light in 2017?
Perfect Strangers: 12-1
Small Wonder: 68-1
Iron Eagle: 3-1
Rambo/First Blood: 14-1
Will Mayweather-McGregor Actually Happen?
Can we all just talk about the last time we had a long-awaited Floyd Mayweather fight? And that was against an actual boxer. People who have no idea how any of this works have been clamoring for Money to take on UFC douche Conor McGregor. Floyd’s retired, but fighting a UFC douche would mean attention, and he desperately needs attention to survive. Will we actually get to see a Rocky vs. Thunderlips style clash of the titans?
Mayweather-McGregor actually happening: 72-1
Mayweather-McGregor happening but being a total disappointment: even money
Is Luke Skywalker Rey’s Father? (And Who’s Her Mother, For That Matter)
Get over it, this is a spoiler. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens ends with protagonist Rey finally tracking down exiled Jedi and MacGuffin, Luke Skywalker on his mountain of solitude.
Everyone who saw the movie Sharp-eyed fans put the riddle together that Luke could be Rey’s father. There she was, slinging The Force around like nobody’s business, was an orphan on a desert planet, and was a little on the whiny side — totally a Skywalker. With Episode VIII being released in 2017, we might actually get an answer to Rey’s parentage. So, without going to Maury Povich, is Luke the father? And who was the lucky lady?
You ARE The Father: 4-1
You ARE NOT The Father: 8-1
Mother Is Mon Mothma: 34-1
Mother Is Captain Phasma: 18-1
Mother Is Leia (ew): 780-1
Mother Is The Blue Stripper From Jabba’s Palace: 3-1
Will Betty White Make It Through The Year?
2016 took everyone cool from us. John Glenn, Prince, Carrie Fisher, Muhammad Ali, David Bowie, George Michael, and OMG 216 WHAT WAS YOUR PROBLEM?!?! There but for the grace goes Betty F*cking White. Everyone’s favorite senior citizen who the internet generation only just now realized was a total hottie in her younger days. Late in the year, a GoFundMe campaign was launched to protect Betty White from 2016’s rage. But will she make it through 2017? Unfortunately, we have to cast odds on this…
Betty White lives: 4-1
Betty White doesn’t make it: 12-1
Betty White gets very sick, punches death in the balls, reveals she is a Highlander and therefore is immortal: 7-5
Political Scandal That Defines The Year
Sigh. We’re stuck with Trump as President, it seems. In 2016, the trailer parks spoke and elected a billionaire from New York because he “represented their values.” Nobody ever accused the South of having quality public education. Since the election, Trump has proven to us that it’s not a matter of whether or not he’s going to screw up — it’s when, how bad, and over what. So what’s going to be Trump’s undoing in 2017?
Tape Of Him Using The N-Word: 4-1
Messes Around With A Female Staffer: 6-1
Messes Around With A Female Staffer’s Underage Daughter: 2-1
Tries To Build The Wall With Undocumented Workers: 7-1
Sex Tape With Vladimir Putin: 8-5